Final Messages of the Dying

Join SevenPonds each month as Tani Bahti, RN, CT, CHPN, offers practical on-hand guidance to demystify the dying process. As an RN since 1976, Tani has been working to empower families and healthcare professionals to have the best end-of-life experience possible both through education and the development of helpful tools and resources. The current Director of Pathways, Tani is also the author of “Dying to Know, Straight talk about Death and Dying,” considered by SevenPonds as one of the most practical books on the topic. Founder Suzette Sherman says this is “the book I will have at the bedside of my dying parents some day, hopefully a very long time from now.”

“I want to go home.”

That is probably the most common plea of a person who is in the final stages of dying. Does it mean that if they are not home, that you are remiss in not getting them there? I’ve learned that the answer is ‘no’.

The stated desire to ‘go home’ is often voiced even when people are in their homes. Possibly reflective of their belief system, this often refers to another “home,” the place they are going after death.

People who are dying often talk in metaphoric or symbolic language.

I encourage people to “listen with a third ear” to find meaning in their statements. For example, one woman had been widowed for 12 years and had missed her husband dearly. She believed they would be reunited after death. The day she died she became slightly agitated, asking, “Where is my wedding dress? I need to get ready!” Feeling this statement was reflective of her upcoming reunion with her husband, her family comforted her by saying, “You will be ready when it’s time and will look beautiful in your dress. Dad will be so happy to be with you again.”

She lapsed into sleep and hours later, opened her eyes, reached both arms forward. With a smile on her face and tears in her eyes, she softly whispered, “You’re here,” and took her final breath.

So listen. What are they telling you?

“I need to find my car keys.” “Where’s my ticket?” Many comments refer to preparing for a journey. Resist the urge to say, “You don’t need your keys.” Simply provide a supportive presence or say, “We will find your keys” and then possibly redirect them to a calming topic, such as sharing one of your favorite memories.

There are times there can be struggles – you may find your loved one arguing with someone unseen about not being ready yet, or asking why those who will receive them aren’t ready to accept them.

Letting go is a process and, sometimes we don’t know why there are seeming delays, resistance or fear.

You can gently inquire about what they need or if there are any concerns.

This story serves as the perfect example:

During her four months on our program, I was the only member of our hospice team that Kay allowed to visit. She was a woman who had been estranged from her children, and whose friends and family had died before her. Although she missed her friends, she would tell me she was glad her family was dead. She was irritable with her decreasing physical abilities and waited to die for months. She did not believe in afterlife and wanted life “ to be over without any fuss.”

She finally got her wish and began the dying process. In a semi-comatose state, she growled, “Where’s the bus. The bus is late!” While that was a metaphor commonly used in hospice, I wasn’t sure how best to respond, as I had never experienced someone talk through their dying before. I finally said, “The bus will be coming.” After some time, she reported a bus showed up and again fell into silence. She startled me when she abruptly yelled out, “I can’t get on this bus – this is the bus to hell!” I suggested she get off the bus and again she relaxed and fell silent. After some time, she reported a white ambulance showed up. I asked if that was OK, and she gruffly stated, “Yes,” and again fell silent.

After some time, her body seemed to light up with joy. She smiled, raised her hands and softly said, “It’s a party. They’ve been waiting for me all this time.” Her face radiant, that was the first time I had ever seen her smile.

So listen, bear witness and even explore this journey with them.  Find meaning in those final statements.

Your loved one may be giving you a glimpse into the mystery of dying.

Take a look at a copy of Tani’s book “Dying to Know, Straight talk about Death and Dying” to help demystify the process and offer words of wisdom on the many aspects of dying.